Facing the World Read online

  Giving Sadie a few toy building bricks to occupy her she started preparing their meal. She was singing when she heard Mrs Falconer come in. ‘Cup of tea?’ she called and was surprised when, in a subdued voice, her landlady declined. Then she heard the lower voice of Mr Falconer and guessed that his presence had been the reason for the refusal. She was surprised when Mrs Falconer didn’t knock and pop her head around the door. They talked often and it was unusual for there not to be some kind of greeting.

  It was after she had put Sadie to bed that a knock on the door heralded the appearance of Mrs Falconer and when she opened the door she was startled to see her husband was with her, both looking uneasy. Sally’s immediate thought was that they had guessed about the new pregnancy and she wished she had spoken to them sooner. But surely that couldn’t be the reason for the serious faces? ‘Is something wrong?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m afraid so,’ Mr Falconer said.

  ‘I’m sorry, dear,’ added his wife. ‘I should have told you before this.’

  Mr Falconer gave a nervous cough and said, ‘We have to ask you to leave.’

  ‘What? But why? What have I done?’

  As though she hadn’t spoken he went on, ‘One illegitimate child was difficult for us, but you’re expecting again and, well, with no husband and no boyfriend, it’s no good, Sally. People gossip and I – we can’t have this any longer.’

  ‘I’m sorry, dear,’ Mrs Falconer repeated. ‘It’s the gossip, you see.’

  ‘Who told you? Milly, I presume.’

  ‘She could never resist a bit of gossip. Sorry, my dear.’

  ‘I’ll start looking first thing tomorrow. Thank you for your kindness. I’ve been so happy living here with you. But you’re right, this unfortunate situation is more than I can expect you to cope with. I’ll move as soon as I find a place.’ She was stunned by the interview and too numb to cry.

  Washing her face, she put on a little makeup and asked if Mrs Falconer would stay with Sadie for an hour while she went to see someone who might help. She never went out in the evenings except in the summer when she took Sadie with her and Mrs Falconer was surprised, and ashamed, so she willingly agreed.

  Sally was intending to go and see Eric to ask if there were any rooms to rent in the awful boarding house in which he lived but instead she walked towards the old mill. This wasn’t the time for conversation or planning her next move; she needed to be on her own to accept what had happened, let the shock of it shower over her and gradually subside.

  It wasn’t quite dark and the woods held no fear for her as she stepped out along the narrow path towards the mill. If birds sang or small animals shuffled around in the undergrowth she was unaware. She was in a cocoon of misery, unable to think of anything but that the last thread of normality was being snapped. That she had no one to blame but herself, her carelessness when Rhys came for those few wonderful hours, made it harder to bear. Why had she been so careless? Why wasn’t he here?

  She stopped and listened when she reached the clearing where the abandoned building stood. The only sound was the low murmur of the stream bypassing the enormous wheel to which it had given life, now leaving it without movement except for the weeds covering the paddles that slowly waved when coaxed by the wind. She went up stone steps and into the first room where the fearsome-looking cog wheels were still in place, then climbed up the wooden stairs, dangerous in places but still giving access to the room where flour sacks were once filled.

  The shock had stilled her brain and although she tried, no logical thoughts seeped in and she sat and looked into nothingness as the darkness came more complete. After an hour she became aware of being chilled; she was wearing a thin dress and hadn’t stopped to collect a coat. Rousing herself, she made her way cautiously down the wooden stairs. No decisions had been made except her determination not to accept help from Rhys’s parents. This was her problem and she would solve it.

  She was walking back towards School Lane when she heard someone call. She turned and allowed the man to catch up. It was Rick Perry, whom she had briefly met.

  ‘You’re out late, Miss Travis,’ he said. ‘And not suitably dressed for this cool evening. You should look after yourself more.’

  To her consternation she began to cry. Rick said nothing; he just put an arm around her shoulders and held her until the sobs had ceased.

  ‘Good heavens, you’re so cold! Here, take my coat.’ Without protest she allowed him to slip his jacket around her, felt the warmth of it soothe her. She had always refused to discuss her situation but now she said, ‘I have to leave the rooms I’ve rented since before Sadie was born and I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘It can’t be that difficult to find a place to live. I’ll ask around if you like. I haven’t actually moved in yet but I’m already getting to know the local people.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she whispered, ‘but I’ll be all right. I’ll ask at the place where Eric lives. You know Eric?’

  ‘I know Eric and I know the place where he lives and you can’t possibly live there,’ he said firmly.

  ‘I doubt whether I’ll have much choice.’

  ‘Did the landlady tell you why she wants you to leave?’

  Taking a deep breath, wondering why she was talking about this to a comparative stranger, she replied, ‘I’m going to have another baby and I think it’s embarrassing for Mr Falconer.’

  ‘More reason for you not to consider living at that place where Eric lives,’ he said firmly. ‘You’ll need somewhere far better than that for the new baby, little Sadie and yourself.’ She said nothing and he was silent for a while, his arms still around her shoulders, aware of the comfortable sensation of holding her and sharing his warmth. Then he asked softly, ‘And the father? Can’t he help?’

  ‘Soon,’ she replied. ‘He’ll be back soon.’

  Back from where? he wondered, but he dared not ask anything further. He knew this young unhappy woman would need help and if he pressed too far too soon he wouldn’t be the one she approached. He knew with certainty that he wanted to be the one she turned to. ‘Come on, I’ll walk you back home,’ he said. ‘You need a hot drink and a good night’s sleep.’ He left her after a brief word with Mrs Falconer.

  When Rick reached the house where he lived with his parents, Amy was there. ‘Darling, where have you been?’ she asked, concern clouding her wide blue eyes. ‘We’ve been worried.’

  ‘Worried?’ He laughed. ‘I’m a bit old for kidnap and too wise to fall into a ditch. I’ve been wandering through the woods beyond the house, exploring the area. It got late and I was listening to the sounds of the night.’

  Amy hugged him. ‘Such a daydreamer, isn’t he, Mrs Perry? I don’t know what I’ll do with him.’

  Her words, spoken in an almost childish manner, irritated him. Then he was ashamed. He had been out late and she must have been waiting, expecting him to come home straight after work. ‘Sorry, love. I should have let you know where I was going.’

  ‘I did need to see you,’ she replied, a little edgily. ‘Mummy has chosen the material for your suit and selected the style, but you really have to go and see the tailor and let him take your measurements. Time is moving on,’ she added playfully to soften the sharp tone she had used.

  ‘I can’t arrange anything this week. I’ve asked Eric to help me clear the rubble from the bottom of the garden ready to set out the vegetable plot. The builders piled it up just where I asked them not to. I’ll dig a deep trench to put the kitchen waste in throughout the winter, then fill it up in the spring ready for the runner beans.’

  ‘Don’t do that, darling. I thought I told you, I explained to them that the rubble was needed there to build a platform on which the pond will sit.’

  ‘We’ll sink a pond, surely?’

  She laughed. ‘No, of course not, silly. We don’t want wild things crawling in, do we?’ She turned to Rick’s parents for them to join in the laughter. ‘It will be raised with a wall around it so we can sit ther
e and watch the fish.’

  Rick felt a grey disappointment hovering around his eyes. The garden was to have been his area and slowly but deliberately, all the decisions had been taken away. The house and the garden, everything about this wedding and home-making, would have been chosen by Amy and her mother. Even the material and style of his suit. He glanced at his father and saw that he was staring at him, a quizzical expression on his kindly face.

  ‘Come on, Amy, I’ll walk you home.’ Abruptly he reached for her coat, folded and neatly placed on the back of a chair, and offered it up for her to slip on. She waved a little girl’s goodbye with an opening and closing fist and he led her to the door. Outside, she turned into his arms and kissed him. ‘I’ve been longing to do that since the moment you walked in,’ she whispered.

  ‘Me too,’ he said, but he was lying. Something had changed and it was more than irritation about having his plans for the garden overruled. Tomorrow he would go at lunchtime and see the tailor, where he would make a few decisions of his own.

  Valmai heard about Sally’s search for somewhere to live and she went around to ask again if she would move in with her and Gwilym. ‘Just till you find something suitable,’ she explained. ‘I know you wouldn’t want to live with us permanently.’ She was disappointed when Sally shook her head.

  ‘I’ll come and see you both often,’ Sally promised. ‘But I have to manage on my own. It’s a promise I made to myself.’

  ‘There’s no shame in accepting help.’

  ‘Specially when it’s so kindly meant,’ Sally agreed, patting Valmai’s hand affectionately. ‘Thank you and thank Mr Martin for me, but I need to cope on my own.’

  ‘If you’re sure.’ She sighed. ‘Have you asked around yet? There are always a few people looking for a decent lodger.’

  ‘Not really. There’s a room vacant where Eric lives if I’m desperate.’ She laughed at the shock registering on Valmai’s face. ‘No, don’t worry, I couldn’t live there. I’d rather camp in the old mill!’ She wondered anxiously whether she might have to change her mind. Thanks to Milly’s wicked tongue, many thought of her as an immoral woman, not the kind of person who could be described as a decent lodger.

  Valmai went home feeling unsettled. What was the matter with Rhys? He had left that young woman to cope with everything that had happened and she couldn’t do a thing to help her. Surely he’d come home now a second baby was on the way. Then she wondered whether he had been told, or whether Sally’s determination to cope alone had prevented her telling him.

  As she reached the back gate she heard the sound of hammer on chisel and her heart lifted. At least Gwilym was beginning to accept his situation and was starting to work again. She went in to see the row of unfinished animals on a shelf near where he was working. The basic shapes were done and the small models would be finished by hand and painted before he would offer any for sale. Some were already complete and she admired them before going in to prepare their meal. ‘Sorry I’m late, I called to see Sally. Will a sandwich do?’

  Jimmy went to school and sat through a few lessons but his mind was not on the teacher’s voice or the book they were to have studied. He was thinking about the woods and the fox he had seen the previous evening. At lunchtime he went home with no intention of going back to the classroom. His mother was out and she had left a few sandwiches and a packet of crisps. He put them in his school bag with a few more slices of bread and some cake, then made himself some toast. Tonight he’d picnic in the mill. Leaving food there every night had encouraged the fox to visit and he looked forward to the day when the animal would accept his presence and not run away from him.

  Since it had fallen into disuse, the old mill had been a popular meeting place for children, walkers and lovers. It was close to a path leading to the next village, Frog Moor, so it was in regular use during the day when the weather allowed. As September moved on and autumn made its presence felt, Jimmy saw fewer people and hardly any during the hours of darkness. He had been told about the fights that had taken place there between Rhys and David Gorse when they were young, and visualized some of his own, with himself acting the part of a small man against a giant. He dosed and dreamed and woke, alarmed at how late it was.

  He was walking home along the rather overgrown path when he was suddenly pushed from behind. He shouted in alarm as he fell heavily on to his face. He listened but there wasn’t a sound apart from his sobs. He stood up and, glancing back into the darkness, hurried towards home. Hearing someone approaching, he slid into the hedge at the side of the path and was relieved to see the familiar figure of Eric.

  ‘Someone pushed me over,’ Jimmy said, brave now he wasn’t alone.

  ‘I saw someone running across the field. I couldn’t see who it was, could you?’

  ‘Pushed from behind, I was! I didn’t see a thing!’

  ‘Come on, boy, I’ll walk back with you. I was on my way to see a farmer beyond Frog Moor – he’s promised me a couple of rabbits.’

  ‘Live ones?’ Jimmy said hopefully.

  ‘No, for the pot, I’m afraid.’

  ‘Just as well. Dad wouldn’t let me keep them.’

  At the edge of the wood, David Gorse was standing as though waiting for them to appear. ‘Someone ran out of the wood a while ago and almost knocked me down.’

  ‘And me,’ Jimmy said proudly.

  ‘The thing is, I’m sure it was Rhys Martin. I wonder why he’s hiding in the woods.’

  ‘No, it definitely wasn’t Rhys,’ Eric said firmly. ‘I saw him too and he wasn’t tall enough. More your height. Now, come on, young Jimmy, and get yourself home – it’s almost morning.’

  ‘It was Rhys,’ David insisted.

  ‘No, it was not. The height was wrong and also the way he ran. Rhys was an athlete and moved like a well-oiled machine. The man who pushed Jimmy ran as though he had had a rat up his trousers!’ Jimmy laughed.

  Sally had gone to the sale and bought a few small items of furniture and one large one. An armchair which no one wanted had been sold at a very low price and she had been unable to resist. Now, with no home, where could she keep it all? Some of the smaller items were found a space in what Valmai called, her ‘mongrel of a shed’, with its oddly uneven walls and the unsightly extension at the back. There was no access to the extension from inside; it was simply a cupboard added on, distorting the shape ever more than before. A bunion, Gwilym called it, but he was glad of it as it gave him places to store things, giving him more space inside the workshop. He gave no explanation for his need for extra room. Valmai didn’t ask.

  Sally had failed to find a suitable place to live and in desperation she accepted a room in the boarding house where Eric lived. It was on the ground floor and consisted of a single room with use of the kitchen and bathroom, As the other two ground floor rooms were unoccupied for the moment, she at least had sole use of these, for which she was grateful.

  She sent a message to Rhys in one of the usual brown envelopes and began to move her few possessions. Jimmy was passing on his way home from the shops, with a loaf of bread of which he had nibbled the corner, and he saw her struggling with a small table. Seeing her difficulties, he ran to tell Rick, who was clearing a small area of the garden to plant some rose bushes. Together they went to help.

  The following day, when she arrived with her daughter in a pushchair and a few carrier bags holding the last of her food store, Rick and Jimmy were sitting on the steps.

  ‘Eric’s lit a fire,’ Jimmy reported. ‘And we’ve got a picnic, made by my mam and Mrs Martin. Come on,’ he encouraged, reached for Sadie’s hand, ‘I’m starvin’.’

  Seeing a bright fire helped lessen the shabbiness of the room and she determined to get more paint and brighten the walls as soon as she could. They ate the food Valmai and Netta had sent and for a while the room was cheerful and she felt an optimism she had lost. It didn’t last.

  It was when they had all gone, leaving her to sort out the best places for her own things
, that the loneliness hit her. In the silence, with Sadie asleep in her cot and the door closed, she was completely on her own, locked away from a disapproving world. That it had been her own choice didn’t help. She stared at the back of the door where marks showed where a dartboard had been hung and well used, and she longed for Rhys to walk through it. His exams were over, the results learnt, so why hadn’t he said something about when he was coming to join them? What about a job? Was that what he was waiting for? A place in a school in Bristol maybe. Was that why he hadn’t told her? Afraid she wouldn’t want to move from Tre Melin?

  She wrote another letter with a secret message only he could interpret – a silly idea to prevent anyone reading it should the letter be opened by someone other than Rhys. The secret messages that had been such fun were now nothing more than a stupid and childish game. After all these years and months, it was time to end it and face the world. If there had been a fear of suspicion, it must surely have faded. With a second child on the way he had to realize she was more important than an unconfirmed threat. She knew that having to move into this terrible place was the reason for her resentment, although she doubted if she would have been tolerant for much longer, even if she’d stayed with Mrs Falconer.

  Tearing up the letter she wrote another, this time in plain words telling of her pregnancy and the awful room. She placed it on the table ready to post the following day. A visit to the bank worried her. She suddenly realized that if Rhys decided not to return to her, she would have difficulty affording a decent place to live.